Saturday, July 26, 2008

Dear Papa..

Mom's away in Jakarta and off flying to Bangkok with my sister for a shopping holiday..I felt the responsibility to check on papa..ensure that he's alrite..the usual things..his meals..and probably provide a short time comfort of having company while mom's away..its also saturday..and i have the time..

Was home at 12 noon and took him out was uncomfortable..just the 2 of us..the bond is different from spending time with a mother..With mom, there were more gossips..and many things to share..we bitch about our relatives..but with papa, there was more of silence..

I wrote this entry to express how i feel..about papa all these i always betray his words..raise my voice..and set different standards from mom...i think we all do..we do love our mother's more..i think its a we were all 'in' our mothers..before coming to life..

I sat down and had lunch with him in a restaurant today..we talked about my work..and bits bout my nephew..and that was all..then we silence..

His plate was practically full..he had fish, vegetables, chicken..u name was mounting on his plate..I watched him eat, without him realising..i had tears inside my just looking at him..he ate so fast..and there were rice on his lips..i wanted to tell him..but i i was unnecessary..or even to use my finger to scoop off the rice on the side of his mouth..but i was dying inside feeling that i should..but i didnt..with so many guilt..

I was so sad when i looked at him eat..he ate like an old man..he is getting old..and i didnt realise that he is..already old..i wanted to cry..but like i said earlier, i cried inside..of knowing..that my papa is already an old man..and i didnt do much to be with just looking at him eat, there were a thousand things explaining to me about my dear papa..of what he's gone wasnt easy..

After lunch, he voiced out his intention of wanting to go Ikea..he knows his son so well, by asking me first for permission, to acompany him..boz he knew..that his son wasnt that keen of going..with his papa..coz it was weird..unless if mom was around..but instead i said "Yeah..sure.."

We have never had an outing like this before..the last time was probably when i was felt felt weird..I didnt know how to react..i didnt know what to say..Knowing me, i wud have asked him to send me home first..but i i know, he wud be thrilled and excited..if i were to accompany he needed it..and its not something we do often.

So we went home after Ikea..and i washed my car in the porch..then he asked "are you going home later? if u are, lock the taking a nap.." and i said " leaving..will lock the door.." I had so much guilt when i said that..

Then i left..and feeling sad..and thinking bout him..that i shud have stayed..and spent more time..even with silence when both in the same he is alone at the moment..since mom will be home next weekend..

I just miss my papa..very much..and he means the world to family..are forever..but as usual.. never expressed it..

My fren's dad is in town..and he's whining, complaining & getting irritated about accompanying his dad..i know how he feels..

And i tell this to him..and also to myself..

"Dont wait until he's no longer around..coz u'll miss the opportunity..totally..and no use of being sad & crying of blood..coz u regretted of the way u treated him..or didnt give that much of attention to him..Drop everything u have..when u think he's in he is the papa..who made u who u are today..and years to come.."

Im loving u always..and im sorry for not giving the full love u trying, to give u better treatment..and treat u as my you are always inside my heart..and inside my soul..forever..

Sunday - 4.06am