Sunday, October 7, 2007

Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder (OCPD)

I think i have a problem. I think i have a sickness...and i think its getting a bit the day. But i dont think its wrong..its just being..perfect.. I dunno why, but im just too clean and im into symmetrical arrangements. Some of the events that i could remember are:
  • I get this wonderful indescribable satisfaction by looking at a car getting washed and polished to perfection. Especially when using that machine spinning polisher thingy. I also get the excitement when i see a dirty car, and imagining how wonderfully satisfying if i get to clean it to perfection and making it look brand new. Sick?
If only u knew how i feel when i look at this before & after effect..
  • I like things to be in symmetrical. How i arrange things at home, the shampoo's in the toilet, all at a perfect gradient from high to low, at a certain spacing between one another, and the same row. Everytime when i get into the toliet, the first thing i would do is ensure everything is aligned and organized according to my obsession. It would be very disturbing in my mind when i look at things not 'symmetry'. It would like give me a 'tick' in a head and it points out that the object infront of me is highly 'disturbing' my mental calmness.
  • I would also dry the toilet after showering thinking that being in a dry toilet gives me a wonderful luxury feeling. But i cant do it all the time coz i live with a housemate and he tends to wet the floor whenever he's in there. It would take alot of my time to perform such act. But how lovely if i have it dried.
  • I dont fancy or hate to see things in A-symmetrcial form. anything that's not balance in form. multiple objects should be of the same size. If it doesnt, it shud be in gradient.

  • Im so tidy and hygienically freaky that i now have Dettol Wipes with me everywhere i go. Mostly used to wipe the toilet seat if i need to do my 'business'.
  • I also have this thot sometimes whenever i dine outside at a restaurant or cafes; to carry and use my own sets of cutleries. I tend to question the cleanliness of the utensils used when im eating out and it runs around in my mind when i look at the spoon or fork im using, and how i have to share with the rest of the world and god knows how many human beings have already used them. It crossed my mind at times that if they can give me a hot boiling water for me to allow my spoon and fork sterilized.
  • I get disturbed when things around me are not at the same position as i left it. Things such as the ironing board, the iron wire not folded or removed from the power socket. I would think of the dangerous things that might occur if it does, such as power search or maybe forgetfulness of switching it off and may cause fire in the house. The positioning of stuff or products in the house. probably the coffee jar or sugar jar after someone used it. It has to be in the same position, same coordinates as it was first taken. I'll get mental disturbance if it's in a different position. WORSE, if its been transfered to another LOCATION. i feel like screaming.
Im enjoy this where people despise performing this

  • I cant see a wrapped food or probably chips opened by just tearing it and creating an uneven-like opening to the wrapper. I would prefer to use scissors and cut it in a straight line. thats why i carry scissors with me.
  • i cant deal looking at ring water spots on a table. usually coming from cold drinks that evaporates and with no coasters underneath. it 'ticks' me.
This would kill me

  • I can deal eating in a house at any location in the house, weather infront of the Tv, in the kitchen, in the room, wherever. I just cant stand crumbs of food on the floor or as such. If something were to spill, as the moment a drop of crumb or water drips responding to gravity pull and has nothing to save it from heading down down down to the carpet.. my mind goes berserk from the moment the food floats till it hits the floor.
  • And the list goes...

An article i read in the internet trying to understand the probability of maybe theres something wrong with me..

"Obsessive-compulsive disorder is often confused with the separate condition obsessive compulsive personality disorder. The two are not the same condition, however. OCD is ego dystonic, meaning that the disorder is incompatible with the sufferer's self-concept. Because disorders that are ego dystonic go against an individual's perception of his/herself, they tend to cause much distress.
OCPD, on the other hand, is
ego syntonic—marked by the individual's acceptance that the characteristics displayed as a result of this disorder are compatible with his/her self-image. Ego syntonic disorders understandably cause no distress. Persons suffering from OCD are often aware that their behavior is not rational and are unhappy about their obsessions but nevertheless feel compelled by them.
Persons with OCPD
, by contrast, are not aware of anything abnormal about themselves; they will readily explain why their actions are rational, and it is usually impossible to convince them otherwise. Persons with OCD are ridden with
anxiety; persons who suffer from OCPD, by contrast, tend to derive pleasure from their obsessions or compulsions.[14] This is a significant difference between these disorders"

I confess that i am a person who's suffering from an Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder (OCPD). No one can talk me out of it...never...It is something that never bothers my mind if i were to think of it, but just at times maybe i think im a lil too much, but with no bad feelings..but also i think its a good thing for me, but probably not for others surrounding me.

Monday, October 1, 2007

A Million Loneliness..

4 years ago, i get to know someone online..we chatted online, we dated, but things didnt work out due to some reasons. he happened to be someone with a title. he worked hard to get where he is, and blessed with all the money in the world..possibly worth an estimated RM100 million or probably not kidding..with 7 huge companies under his belt..oil & gas, engineering, construction, shipping & logistics, all single handedly owned by him..what a success..he would be the most eligible bachelor in town. 42 years old, tall, fair, single, and has an ocean of money..His name is Dato' D..i remembered he has the whole floor of basement carpark at his condo to himself. to park all of his 10 cars and 5 superbikes. namely a red Ferrari, a BMW X5, an SLK Roadster Mercedes, an M3 BMW convertible, a Bentley, a Maserati, a Volkswagen Beetle convertible and many more that u never wish to own in a million years.


BMW Super X5

A car J.Lo also own..a Bentley

M3 BMW Convertible

A sexy red Ferrari

CLK Mercedes Roadster

i also happen to know another fella, the same age group, very successful and deals with the world financial institution, and wud say, a catch for any ladies to marry.

well, get ready ma ladies, both gentleman are not into women, and very very closeted.

Dato' D asked me out for drinks after a long silence from both of us. I think its been 6 months. The first sms said he wanted to come visit me in Doha. i replied "u insane? i left Doha 4 months already". Much earlier, we sms'd each other on planning to meet for coffee..we set the date 1 week later.

During the meeting, he let out everything that was bothering his mind..he was depressed and very much lonely..he's in need of a fren..a gay fren..or make it a boyfren..some1 of a companion. As i listened to him chatting his way of depression, my mind was trying to link all the things we use to do when we were dating and all the things he had done to me in previous. he was a very angry man, selfish, physically abusive and inconsiderate sun of a bitch..during that time, he thinks he has money and he cud control everything around him, including his r'ship..but not with me..being rich is a bonus, but how connected ur heart is, a must..i made a killer remark on him previously quoting;

"U can never buy happiness. U think u have all the money u can control people around u? Maybe u can..but not with me. After what u've done to me, trust me..u'll end up alone! U'll get all this low life pathetic blood sucking gayboys who's aftering ur cash, cars & credit cards..not ur heart..never come crawling back at me!"

He looked down and accepted all the allegations i said in previous. that was 4 years ago and he even cost him a Mini Cooper to shut a mouth of this gayboy from revealing his status to public or even cause commotion at his workplace. how pathetic..

Will this shut ur mouth?

I told him that im attached with some1. he was happy i met some1 nice for myself, even tho im here in KL and he's in UK. At Dato D's position, some1 from the moon would mean the world to him, as long as the frenship has honesty. he said distance was not an doubt its tough, but it depends on the sacrifice and many other things aligned. well, we're here not to discuss bout my life, more on his..

He spends a whole chunk of his money on properties, fancy cars, designer outfits and god knows what else he doesnt own..If i owned a Prada A/W 2007 slipper, i would like clean it weekly and store it in a good dry place and worship it, but in his case, its a slipper to be worn in the house or to pasar malam..when some1 reach that stage, money is not an object anymore. its all purchases to prevent loneliness..

"i am so sad ezwan..the more expensive and extravagant a purchase, it represents the more bitter loneliness i am actually..."

i cud imagine his cars and properties all arranged in line. its hell of an expensive depression. with his current spending on the Troika Posh Condo at the high end golden triangle designed by Norman Foster, tagged at a whopping RM9 penthouse.thats hell of a costly depression aint it? well,
rezeki masing2..he worked hard and deserve every penny spent..and people cant just take it away from him or use the easy way in..

The Troika, 10 most expensive luxury condos in Malaysia.

penat lelah dia bekerja siang dan malam, takkan senang2 orang nak tumpang makan hasil susah payah dia bekerja..walaupun tak banyak bagi dia..tapi tetap dia bekerja keras untuk ada apa yang dia ada..

i take that as something for all of us to ponder upon..

he wants us to remain frens, as he thot i was so far the sincerest fren he knew..with that, i hold on to, and trust to be a fren for him..with his experience in business and where he is at the moment in i wish to be successful like him and the other fren in future. .

On my way back home, in my car, i started to could a person worth RM500 million get so depressed and feel ever so lonely? when u can get anything u ever want in this life..and then i knew, out of all the things in the world u can purchase...loneliness is the only thing...not even a trillionaire can buy...and it makes me more appreciative towards my other half, my family, my best frens..and tried to put myself at Dato D's position...its a suffering..even if i im able to own all the things i want in life, my loved ones are the most priced possession..