Monday, September 4, 2006

Perfection is Self Abusive..

Last week was a tiring & stressfull week..Even though we had our merdeka celebration, but i was bz packing and unpacking stuff, up and down from previous place and up and down to my new place..Hell i had so many stuff. its like im married with 5 kids..

So many things happen and i got into depression for quite a moment..i was just too tired and upset with many things. Since im soo particular about having things in order 24/7, things didnt look good. the place was soo messy with so many dust around, i also had to DIY my cabinets & other things..So many unfortunate events occured that lead me to my depression & meltdown..I wanted things to be my case, too pefect..I couldnt live with even a slight detail gone wrong. When things dont turn out the way i planned too, i get upset. At a moment, i thought to myself, why am i like this? Why cant i just live selamba & like everyone else? Again, if u think Bree Vandekamp is crazy, i am her..Everything has to be picture perfect for me..Every angle & every little things laying around would just explode me..

Eventhough I had everything planned, but it all turn out hell..

  • I made a list of things to move and where everything should be located.
  • I labelled all the boxes according to its location to be opened and identifying fragile or not, what items & size.
  • I planned on which day to do what & to finish them on the said day & never to have extensions of time.No contigencies required.
  • I made a list of things to buy for the house & had everything budgeted for so that it wouldnt burst.
  • I set my hp to a profile only that i could receive certain numbers to reach me and not wanting others to bother my moving activity.
  • And all this made others to crazy..

I just wanted a perfect timing for everything & it would be an achievement for me realise all these. It would just give me self satisfaction. Cleaning a dirty toilet to make it look like 5-star hotel bathroom is just orgasmic to me..I dunno why..

Sadly, things didnt turn out the way i planned..Everything screwed up big time..Some of the things that happen are:

  • I lost my claims cheque somewhere god knows where. I should have banked-in when i had the opportunity, but honestly, i didnt have the time..
  • I overspent at Ikea buying things that i shouldnt coz i couldnt control the temptation of getting the stuff that wud beautify my place. I then decided to return some of the stuff the next day. Headin towards the car, i had to cross a 3ft deep longkang, and then! The curtains that i wanted to return slipped off my arms and fell into the longkang!! Aarrgghh..I tried to dig it with a stick but the longkang was too deep..There goes RM80 down the drain!! My gawwdd!! I was upset and couldnt except such stupidity. I shud hv been more alert, more careful and more aware..I was so angry at myself...Coz i wasnt perfect..and i always wanted to be perfect and never make mistakes..
  • I successfully constructed a self made wardrobe at my old place. i dismantled it and plan to construct it again at the new place. i had to drill the wall & screw it onto the wall. to my surprise, the walls are load bearing and god knows how many reinforcements inside the blocks. everytime i drilled, it wud just penetrate a mere 1.5cm's and hit the steel bars. for sure, it couldnt withstand the weight of the outrageous amount of clothes i have..i manage to get it hung up the wall..stood 4 feet away from the wall to glance at the work of art that made, even though knowing, its impossible to stand with that hole deep. it was about 3am at the time..knowing my selfmade wardrobe was a success, i just had to ensure that the room shud compliment my gorgeously constructed wardrobe by ..vacuuming the whole room..since it was 3am, i knew there wud be dog shit laying infront or on the front door..being my crazy self and not liking to wait till morning, i decided to still remove the dust by..picking every little dirt and broken cement plaster on the floor using my fingers and also a wet cloth to collect the dust away from the carpet..i know none of you would do such thing to urself & thinking its a self abuse behaviour, for me..its just part of perfection..i decided to hang all my clothes in the morning..
After getting up at about 11am, i stood and enjoyed looking at the ever so difficult wardrobe causing blisters. i started to load it with some shirts feeling proud that i made it & my room wud look great..the glory lasted for about 8 minutes, then suddenly the whole wardrobe came crushing down!!!!! There were dust all over, and all my clothes was talcum like stained! After goin thru that dust collecting exercise at 3am, i then had a major breakdown..things were again..imperfected..and disturbed my mental higly..

I decided to just remove the stupid self made cupboard and just get a whole new cupboard from a local furniture shop which cost me..$800..2 wardrobes to fit in all my clothes, pants & god knows what i have..

i repeated the routine of vacuuming and clearing the room to make way for my new cupboard to now poorer of $800 and god knows i've spent almost every single dime of my now officially broke!

my cupboard arrived with 2 men carrying them and smelling like a dead fish..i had to spray the room with my Chanel cologne as i couldnt find the Febreeze..still, their smell beated possibly 4 years of research to produce the said fragrance..i aired the room instead..

well, finally, my room was all good..cleaned..and not even a slight dust in the sister Elona used to say, you're not a robot..ur times imperfection is beautiful..u just dont realize it..

Perfection is the highest torture for self abuse..i have a problem with it..and i know it..i need help..